it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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