I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
