So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
