How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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