I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
