you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
