so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
