my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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