i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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