Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
