Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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