I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
