Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops