Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
