I want to walk on stilts...naked
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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