it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
