I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
