a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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