I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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