I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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