kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
