I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
