I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
