You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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