Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
