If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
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As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
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He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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