M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
