herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
