I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize