Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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