This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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