god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
