It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
