Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize