We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
