the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i was born a porn star she said
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
