We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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