Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
