i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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