I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
