Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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