I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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