I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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