Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
