I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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