dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
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drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
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I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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