We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
