sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
