Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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