Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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