so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
