batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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