I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I think my moral compass just broke
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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