i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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