Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I have already put on my inside pants.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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