My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
