If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So apparently I’m into choking now
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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