the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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