I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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