If that was your dad, he is hot
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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